• Slow Slow, Quick Quick, Slow

    I was just listening to this album by The Golden Palominos that was created in the mid-90s. This album features a spoken word poet from the East Village scene at that time named Nicole Blackman. If you can find it, take a listen. It's very 90s in its form, but cerebrally, the words still hold up well. This was probably my quintessential NYC subway album of 1998, during a time when I pounded the streets, thinking I was wearing a "fuck off" expression, but really I was just a 19 year old girl who had fundamentally no experience in life.

    Anyway, not sure why I thought to drag it out today, but what still hit me was this line:

    "Man on the street says, I can make any woman kill herself.... in a year."

    You know it's funny. Lately I have felt more like off-the-tracks me at 20 than I have throughout probably my entire life from age 22-30. 

    Something happened when I graduated college where I convinced myself, "Okay! You are now officially grown up. That means that you have to focus focus focus. You can have fun, but only if it really ties in well with career planning and long-term ambitions. Spontaneity is fine to an extent, but really getting hung up on drama and angst is no longer a part of who you are because you are too old for it."

    The worst thing about this is that if you really take that the way I meant it to be back then, then I have seriously failed as I am now 31 and unmarried. The whole point was to clean up my act and focus on career and marriage. The career thing took ages but now I finally feel like I've achieved an "acceptable" (in the mind of an obsessive compulsive over-achiever), but in terms of getting my shit together and becoming someone's wife? Not even close.

    And though I feel like I've experienced a lot with men -- and rocked some serious pole in the process -- I can't help but wonder how different the past decade would have been had I been just a little more chill. Trying to wear the big girl pants very likely created way more stress than it needed to, on both myself and potential suitors (if they ever really had potential at all.)

    So.. what am I rambling about? The fact that now... well, really over just the past 2 months or so, I made a new executive decision that I want to be the woman that a man can make want to kill herself. I mean this in the best possible way of course. The way in which we all want to feel things so deeply, emote things so passionately, desire so strongly, that it almost makes us want to die.

    I'll let you know how it goes.

  • Ah, they'll never, they'll never ever reach the moon, at least not the one that we're after; it's floating broken on the open sea, look out there, my friends, and it carries no survivors. But lets leave these lovers wondering why they cannot have each other, and let's sing another song, boys, this one has grown old and bitter.

    Leonard Cohen, "Sing Another Song, Boys"